


True Facts About the Harlequin Land Squid

by Basingstoke



Category: The Witcher (TV)
Genre: Gen, Hunters & Hunting, I wrote gen monsterforking because once I realized I could then I had to, Tentacle Monsters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:08:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26637862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basingstoke/pseuds/Basingstoke
Summary: Geralt hunts a monster using...alternative methods. It's the best day of Jaskier's life.
Comments: 135
Kudos: 526
Collections: Best Geralt





	True Facts About the Harlequin Land Squid

"Beard of my fathers, you have your little spectacles on," Jaskier says, plopping onto the log beside Geralt. "I do love your little spectacles. What are we researching, then?" 

Geralt's eyes are best at distance, so yes, he does have little spectacles for close reading. "We're researching which log feels best on your backside," he says. "That was the pine, let's try the beech." He moves to the beech log.

Jaskier follows. "Oh, this is nice," Jaskier agrees when he hits the second log. "Smooth." 

"Mm." Geralt squints at the book.

"So what's this, then? What are you looking up?" 

"Harlequin land squid. That's what the beast is." Geralt tries raising the spectacles and bringing the book closer to his face, but that makes it worse. "Can you read this writing?" 

"Didn't you write this book?" 

"I was younger then." Geralt shows him the passage. 

"Certainly, old man. It says...harlequin land sqvid--" 

"Squid," Geralt says. 

"That's a vuh. Fine. The harlequin land squid be'st the height of two men and best dispatched using the methods of Venus. What's that, then?" 

"I could read that part. What's the next line? What colors?" 

"Attract the sqvid--"

"The squid."

"That's a vuh!"

Geralt pinches his ear. 

"So violent!" Jaskier protests. "Fine. Attract the squid using flags of orange and purple. Use the sequence R, N, E, R, T, then E, P, W, S, B, then alternate."

"Mm. You're sure of the letters in the sequence?"

"Your handwriting is very small but very clear. For example, that is definitely a vuh," Jaskier says. 

"Do you have orange and purple clothing in your bags?"

"Of course." 

"I need to borrow it." 

"No." 

"It won't get dirty." 

"No."

Geralt sighs. "You can watch me dance for a squid." 

"Yes. What?" 

"We draw in this monster by a series of movements. Which you could call dancing."

"I have never wanted to see something so much in all my life," Jaskier breathes. 

"I know. Purple and orange, whatever I can wave around the easiest." 

"Probably the trousers. Let me fetch them. I'm literally dying to see this," Jaskier says.

Geralt watches him dive into his pack. He sighs. He was expecting this, but...well, it's going to be embarrassing. 

Jaskier emerges with trousers in tangerine and violet, as he informs Geralt. Geralt responds that they're sufficiently orange and purple. 

"You're just waving these?" Jaskier says. 

"Yes."

"Not wearing these?" 

"No."

"Because you won't fit." 

"I'm just waving them around like squid tentacles."

"Right," Jaskier says, frowning at him. Geralt attaches Jaskier's trousers to two poles. 

"When we get there, read out the letters for me. 2/4 time."

"What do you know about musical time?" Jaskier demands. 

Geralt doesn't answer. He gives Jaskier a brown cloak to wear, which Jaskier scowls at but puts on. They walk east. 

Geralt halts Jaskier when he sees it, and points it out with a nod. The massive squid is eating a shed. 

"Is it eating a cow?" Jaskier whispers in horror. 

"No," Geralt says, annoyed. "A cow would make more noise. It's eating the shed. The cow is over there." She's frightened, her tail lashing, and Geralt's sure the milk will be sour tomorrow. That's why he's been called in. Land squids aren't terribly dangerous, but they're very destructive. They chew their way across whole villages. 

"Oh," Jaskier says, sounding disappointed. 

Geralt frowns at him. "Did you want it to eat the cow?"

"Well, no! Of course not!"

"It's eating the shed," Geralt repeats. "So don't put in your song that it ate the cow." 

"Geralt!" Jaskier gasps. 

"Because they don't eat cows." 

"Yes, I've got it! I was promised dancing, not arguing."

Geralt grunts. Land squid don't have much of a sense of hearing, fortunately; they have good eyes but not much else. They don't need much else. Their huge, rubbery bodies are nearly impossible to dent. That's why witchers use the Way of Venus on them instead. 

Geralt gets the flags ready. He hasn't done this himself, but Boris did, once, and told him and Eskel all about it before he died. "So what's the strategy?" Jaskier asks. 

"They're virtually impossible to kill, so I'm not going to try."

"Okay…"

"However, they die after mating."

"You're not!" 

"So I'm going to do a mating dance, receive it's sperm packet, and watch it drop dead." 

Jaskier's face is a picture. He looks like Geralt has thrown him a birthday party in a brothel. He looks like he's received a magical lute that drips gold coins as he plays. His grin is so wide his lips are cracking.

Geralt is pretty fond of him. "2/4 time once I attract its attention."

"Geralt, I'm so happy," Jaskier whispers. 

"I know. Look at the book, can you read it in the moonlight?" 

"Oh! No, let me get a candle."

"Stand behind the tree so it doesn't see you. It won't mate with me if it thinks there's danger." 

Jaskier snorts with laughter and ducks behind the large tree, pulling out a dark lantern and lighting the candle inside with a match. "Right, I'm ready." 

"Don't get wax on my book." 

"I'm not an amateur! I've been trusted with the oldest books in Oxenfurt."

Geralt steps into the cow pasture, holding the trouser flags against his chest, thinking about what Boris said. He bobbled the flags to attract the squid's attention, he said, which you can tell because--yes, because its eyes are enormous, turquoise, and reflect light like a cat. It can see Geralt better than Geralt can see him. 

The beak, nestled among the stubby tentacles, pauses its work on the cow shed. The giant eyes swivel forward and the pupils change shape from round to diamond-shaped. Geralt...doesn't know what that means. He guesses and raises the flags, bending from side to side. 

Use the flags as tentacles, Boris said. It won't notice that you don't have the rest of the squid body. They're not very smart. They just have very good eyes. 

Geralt quivers the trouser flags and the land squid plants its stubby tentacles in the dirt and pushes forward. He knows they _can_ move relatively fast, but usually don't. If this goes south he should have plenty of time to dodge.

The land squid raises two tentacles and jerks them to the side. "Jaskier!" Geralt calls out. 

"R!" Jaskier calls out, and Geralt waves a semaphore R. The land squid echoes his movement. "N!" 

Semaphore is easier to write than dance moves, that's for sure. Boris was a very smart Witcher who loved this kind of research. Geralt misses him. 

After two repetitions, the land squid's pupils turn thin and squiggly like noodles and the end of one tentacle is swelling. So that means it's time to…present. Geralt holds the violet trousers vertically over his head and the orange trousers down against his thigh. He has a canvas bag strapped to his knee. 

The land squid lowers its tentacle. Geralt holds still, not even breathing; the tentacle is thicker than his thigh. It could crush him accidentally. The tentacle pauses. Geralt wonders how it locates the bag: is it going to feel its way down his body? Can it see the opening? 

Then the end of the tentacle opens up and drools mucus over his head. A lot of mucus. 

A lot. Of mucus. 

It's still going. 

All he can smell is salt. His eyes are squeezed tight. It's like standing under a waterfall, but sticky. And warm. And not water. 

Finally, finally, the squid sighs, the cascade ends, and Geralt feels the giant body collapse into the ground. It dies quickly, Boris said. It's fulfilled its main goal in life. 

Jaskier is howling with laughter. Geralt wipes his face on both sets of trousers vengefully and spits. 

He stalks back to the tree. Jaskier is sobbing laughing, leaning against the tree holding his stomach. Geralt shoves the trousers into his hands and Jaskier clutches them to his chest; Jaskier opens his eyes for a moment and then folds up laughing again. 

"Don't lose my book," Geralt says. He retreats to the camp. 

*

Boris was fond of a prank, he realizes later, sitting in a stream with his quickly diminishing bar of soap. If he were still alive he'd be laughing like Jaskier. Maybe his ghost is laughing, down in the cave of the wyvern that ate him. "Good one," Geralt mutters, before he says a little prayer for his soul and resumes scrubbing. 

*

Jaskier helps him wash his hair once he can keep a straight face. He's humming a new tune, though. Geralt thinks he's composing. "Don't you dare," he says. 

"Dare what?" 

"I know you're writing a song."

"It's what bards do," Jaskier says, sounding as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. 

Geralt growls at him. Jaskier pats his cheek. 

*

The song is called "The Dangerous Dance" and is so filthy it's not sung in mixed company, which is, he supposes, better than nothing. It also doesn't have his name attached. 

He still punches Lambert in the face this first time he sings it--that is, he tries, but the little twerp has already ducked. He tackles him into the kitchen table, anyway, where they wrestle until Vesemir throws water over them both.

The end.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] True Facts About the Harlequin Land Squid](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27616598) by [Chantress](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chantress/pseuds/Chantress)




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